regret

something happen

and it makes me thinking of writing this

this just a little piece of memoir in my life

just a little bit

i still remember back then in 2002 during my first former of secondary school

in our place, we are been given offer letter to proceed to either school in that area

and i've got the nearest school from my house which is just in front of the house

apart from having KAA, this school has the worst history of discipline ever in our area

i never ever want to live in hostel

and i don't know why parents always wanted their child to do so

but i try not to say no to my parents

i always blaming hostel for not being able to be with my family during my grandmother's leg amputation

i always blaming hostel for not being able to be with my family when my little brother was accident

i always blaming hostel for not being able to know my father was admitted to hospital due to dengue

and i always blaming hostel for not being able to go to my uncle's funeral

i know

it does sound pathetic for me to blame hostel for all these things

as if i were there, things are going to change

i never told my parents

how much the hatred for being there

i still remember in form one

during usrah session

the seniors are like kind of dissatisfy with us

and in musolla that time (dak laki pergi sembahyang jumaat masa tu)

they were like a psycho

really mad at us for unknown reason

i still remember they said iklil is way too cocky because she only sleep during weekends

they also mentioned about qystina is conquering the fan at night

wtf..

their mind is way too low

seriously, i don't get it

why they were acting like a moron?

unacceptable attitude from so called religion school students

(that is also why they were acting like so desperately need opposite gender's love- according to maslow's hierarchy of need)

and the most stupid part ever for them to act is

crying and peluking us like we are going to die due to suffocation when they are about to exam

(omg.. yang kau buat dosa berkepuk-kepuk fitnah orang bagai nak rak segala tu kau tak fikir.. yang kau fikir exam kau je..seriously disgusting human being)

okay i kind of overwritten unnecessary things

this is not what i wanted to regret of

back then in my fourth and fifth former

i moved to other school- again i was trying not to say no to my parents

but i can't lie to myself

it's difficult

the classes are way too heavy

time prep ada kelas

hujung minggu ada kelas

time cuti ada kelas

senang cakap selagi ada masa, ada waktu, then we need to be in class

one day....

i was like really tense for having all these stuffs

furthermore

i just went to see our principal because i failed my history paper

i was hoping for my parents to come

to at least soothe my feelings upon these things

unfortunately

daddy was mad at me

so mad because i'm a little bit late

I WAS LATE FOR 5 MINUTES!

and he scolded me like i was late for ages

i am human being

i have feelings

and without further thinking

i reply my dad with tears

i said

"tunggu 5 minit pun tak boleh sabar ke?? kita dah lama sabar.. bukan 5 minit, tapi 5 tahun.. pernah ke nak faham hati ngan perasaan orang lain.."

i never thought of those words could came out from my mouth

and..

i saw my mother was crying after i said those words

daddy was so mad and he packed all stuffs and ask my mum to go back home

and i silently, with tears just watching them leaving the school

it's hurt to see my mother cried for things like that

i was supposed to be a little bit patient on that day

that's it

but i hurt person that i love the most with my words

sejak tu saya berjanji

saya tak akan buat mak saya menangis dengan perbuatan saya

saya cuma nak jadi anak yang baik

i don't want to hurt her

saya sayang mak saya

tapi saya tahu

sayang mak pada saya lebih kuat dan dalam dari apa yang saya rasa

semoga Allah lindungi mak dalam rahmat dan kasih sayangNya

i really am regret for thing that happen

saya bukan anak yang baik sejujurnya...

nota CVS: bosan dengan kata-kata yang tidak menggambarkan perkara sebenar

nota respiratory: annoy dengan kamu-kamu yang hipokrit (sama dengan point CVS)

nota abdomen: action speaks louder than word (if you know what i mean)

semoga Allah mempermudahkan urusan kita semua, insyaAllah