OMFS

oral and maxillofacial surgery clinic it is

i spent a long time with my patient today

we talked much about dentistry

the patient seems very interested with things in dentistry

it just good to know that patient is happy with the treatment provided by our dental clinic

wonder why the patient asked me

cik kucingred ni anak bongsu ke??

am i???

grammatical error??

doc: where are you from?

me: selangor

doc: in which school did you study before?

me: sbpi gombak

doc: usually people who lives in kl and selangor area is good in english

me: (petrified and stupefied)

is it a must for us to be good in english?

kat rumah pun aku cakap purely malay with dialek from negeri 9, kedah and kelantan

and fyi my mother-tongue is bahasa malaysia

so, what's with that?

do you have problem with that?

come on la

we are malaysian what?

at least i can speak rather than cannot speak at all

at least i have the courage for that

mom and dad

for all the kindness

for all the soothing words

for all feelings that you've shown

i really thank you a lot

for being rebellious

for being choosy

for demanding things

i really am sorry

i just sometimes an ego child

who didn't admit of doing mistakes

i just sometimes a miss-who-knows-everything

pretending to know everything in this world

i just sometimes a perfectionist

just to appear perfect in front of you

in fact

for real

i'm still a daughter

who wanted to be care of

i'm still a human

who cry when i burst into emotions

i'm still me

no matter how difficult i am

thank you for your existence

for bringing me to this world

thank you for your guidance

for showing me choices in life

thank you

for every single things

which will take a long list to be listed

thank you

for all the mistakes that i've done

please forgive me

i'm merely a human being

whom are not perfect

ya Allah

ampunilah dosaku

serta dosa kedua ibu bapaku

dan Kau kasihanilah mereka

sebagaimana mereka mengasihiku

sewaktu kecil

amin

perkenankan ya Allah

mom and dad

i love you

a catastrophe week

i can't remember how did i survive in the first place

thank you Allah for bestowing me a little bit of strength to face all this miserable things

monday

doc: you as a student must have your own dignity.

me: what do you mean?

doc: if you make mistake, admit it. if you don't know things, ask. but never ask your doc to do things for you.

me:.....

tuesday

i feel bad for the ward round things

to whom it may concern

you don't know how difficult to deal with the specialist

don't say things as if it is easy

talk is easier than done- if you know la

wednesday

forgot about the drinks and still need to think of the simulation

thursday

am

doc: why did you give yourself low mark for operational skill. you are just assisting, right?

me: i am not a good assistant

doc: why?

me: because i always scolded my operator

pm

doc: next time, if you want to call patient for surgery, tell me first!

me: okay doc

friday

doc: you need to think of quitting from dentistry

me:....

saturday

doc: kenapa awak datang sini hari ni?

saya: ermmm saya sakit tekak

doc: ok.. bukak mulut sikit, saya nak tengok

saya: (buka mulut)

doc: ermmm besarnya tonsil awak! (tengok folder) memang biasa kena tonsilitis ke?

saya: mmmmm

doc: kena buang tonsil ni sebab awak ada recurrent tonsillitis, kena jumpa ENT specialist

saya: tapi, kena ada refer letter kan?

Allah

permudahkan urusan saya

kadang-kadang rasa macam tak tertanggung je dengan semua ni

i can't handle my own feelings

ya Allah

berilah kekuatan and ketabahan dalam hati ini

sometimes being strong is not by holding your tears

but letting them fall

cry kucingred!

cry!!!!

perasaan ini.. Allah saja yang mengerti

Allah

perasaan ini milik Kamu

hati ini milik Kamu

roh ini milik Kamu

jasad ini milik Kamu

ringankan beban di hati hamba

ringankan sengsara hamba

kurangkan derita hamba

permudahkan urusan hamba

Allah

Kamu saja yang mengerti rasa di hati

Kamu saja yang tahu derita di jiwa

Kamu saja yang faham derita ini

Kamu saja yang mengetahui segalanya

saya mahu nangis

tapi tak boleh

saya sangat tertekan

tapi tak terluah

Allah

saya ada Kamu

kerana Kamu saja yang faham

Kamu juga yang tahu

permudahkanlah ya Allah

...

change for good

change to be better

change for real

Allah

sahhilni

tetapkan hati ini dalam agamaMu

another side of me

it's been a while for me not to feel these kind of feelings

then it comes again

i do think that i am mentally distress without me noticing it

and i think that i am facing the psychogenic pain

and at this moment

i don't know which is which

which i don't understand of my own feelings

all the symptoms suit several differential diagnoses

which then making it to be so unpleasant

at the mean time

i hope that it won't be something that too serious

let it be something which is common and less side effects

i don't want to take numbers of medications

i don't want to undergo complex treatment procedures

i just want to be okay

i hope these feelings fade as time goes by

Allah

permudahkan segala urusan

tunjukkan kami jalan yang benar

bimbinglah kami ke jalan yang Kau redhai

amin

i am afraid

i am afraid of uncertainties

i am afraid of waiting

i am afraid of being ill

but things are not under our control

life is about facing all the uncertainties

even sometimes it will be ended by sad thing

we need to move on

it's not about having all the things that we wanted so badly

it's about how we learn to cope things that happen to us

Allah

sahhilna

masukkan kami ke dalam syurga dengan rahmatMu

jauhkan kami dari azab nerakaMu

amin

dia yang mengingatkan II

doc: mana folder patient yang saya nak sign?

me: kat sini doktor.. tapi buku....

doc: hmmmm... saya yang cabut gigi patient tu tadi

me: doktor sign untuk LA je la kot

doc: takpe, saya sign je gigi tu untuk awak

me: tapi, doktor yang cabut

doc: dalam klinik kita bukan nak awak sentiasa dapat cabut semua gigi.. tak guna jugak kalau cabut banyak tapi semua gigi mobile.. benda macam ni yang awak perlu untuk belajar..

me: terima kasih doktor!

yup

that's true

it's about learning

no doubt sangat heaven perasaan dapat cabut gigi

but fail to extract saya dapat melihat skill pakar

still i manage to see how the specialist suture the gingiva

it's meaningful in its own way

:)

Allah

matikan saya dalam iman

matikan saya dalam kematian yang baik

amin

i don't blame you

i don't blame you when you said you are stupid when your marks is obviously higher than me

i blame myself for not praising you for the good grades that you have

i don't blame you for letting me cry and tense alone

i blame myself for letting you to watch me crying

i don't blame you for not telling me the truth about everything that happen to you

i blame myself for not be able to be a good friend to you

i don't blame you for the feel of sucks that you have even when you are better than me

i blame myself for not congratulating you for each and every achievements of yours

i don't blame you when you are tense on your workloads

i blame myself for letting you to become a leader when i know you can't

i don't blame you for making me hating you like hell

i blame myself for the feeling that i can't resist to feel

i don't blame you for making me cursing you like a mad hatter

i blame myself for expecting things too high from you

i don't blame you for making me to called you a hypocrite

i blame myself for trusting you in the first place

indeed

i don't blame you for everything that happen

i blame myself for my feelings

for my emotions

for my expectations

i don't blame you for what had happen

i blame myself for everything

Allah

berikan kekuatan

rabbi sahhilna

iAllah

kita terlupa, dia ingatkan

benar

Allah jadikan setiap perkara yang berlaku ke atas kita bersebab

setiap yang berlaku punya asbab

punya hikmah

saya terlupa

lalu dia mengingatkan

Allah datangkan dia sebagai medium

syukur

masih lagi diberi peluang

masih berkesempatan untuk fikir

untuk renung apa yang dah dilakukan

doc: sakit itu tanda Allah kasih dan sayangkan awak. semakin dekat awak denganNya, semakin banyak dugaan yang diberi. macam nabi-nabi kita, kerana kasih, Allah menduga.

saya: betul tu doktor

Allah

mungkin sakit inilah yang mendekatkan aku padaMu

sungguh

kifarah pada dosa-dosa silam

selama ni aku terlalu lalai dan alpa

asifni

astaghfirullahal'azim

ya Allah

moga Kau hidup dan matikan aku dalam iman

amin

saya suka tengok patient yang gembira lepas buat treatment

:)

semoga kami diberi peluang untuk menggembirakan hati-hati mereka

tq Allah

tak perlu berputus asa

tak usah bersedih

apa yang penting

teruskan usaha

yang terbaik itu tak mesti dinilai dari hasil

yang penting usaha

kerana pengalaman adalah cikgu yang terbaik

doc: kes patient awak ni complicated

saya: semua kes patient saya macam tu

doc: awak takde patient lain ke?

saya: saya dah ada 3 patients, tapi semua pun ada masalah

takpe kucingred

it's not about fulfilling your requirements

it's all about gaining knowledge and experience

iAllah

tak rugi pun

:)

i see

i touch

i hear

things are always differ

for me

you

us

them

be it hard to endure

be it difficult to swallow

be it painful to be faced

life must go on

who are you to judge their life?

how do you know their very own life?

why do you think they are better?

what is good for you might not be for them

and what is bad for you might be good for them

that's how life goes

accept it because He knows what best for you

insyaAllah

rabbi sahhilna

:)

no title

doc: are you thinking of something that bother you a lot?

me: no doc.. and i think i'm happy

doc: indeed.. you look so happy

i hope that i really am happy

not only being happy to camouflage my own feelings

and i still think that i'm happy

:D

big smile from me :D

Dia yang mengetahui

Allah...

sungguh

hati saya pedih

i'm merely a human being

tipu kalau saya tidak sedih atas apa yang berlaku hari ni

tapi

sebagai hamba

saya redha

yakin dan percaya

bahawa hikmah itu ada

kata doc

it's good for you to have the pre-bite registration

so that you can design the denture properly

so that you don't do unnecessary things and wasting your time

kata saya

apakah itu pre-bite registration?

indications-nya apa?

hendak buatnya bagaimana?

mujur saja ada seorang teman yang tahu

dibantu saya yang buntu

Allah

terima kasih atas bantuan ini

seusai membuat block itu

bite registration pula

sungguh

tak seindah yang dikhabarkan

tak semudah yang diceritakan

tertekan

mujur juga doc rasa kesian

atau muka ini kelihatan betul-betul buntu

Allah

terima kasih atas pertolongan ini

kesudahannya

tidak berhasil

minggu depan iAllah sekali lagi

saya masih tak faham

tapi

teruskan sahaja

ada hikmahnya

la tahzan

innallaha ma'ana

kesusahan itu mendekatkan kita padaNya

setidaknya

asifni

Allah, sahhilna

amin

s

p

e

e

c

h

l

e

s

s

FULL STOP!

ya Allah

permudahkan urusan esok

amin

this is me

lately i am being way too emotional

i don't know why

i hurt easily

i hate easily

but i can't cry at all

at the most severe feelings of mine

i can't even cry a drop of tear

i really am getting confuse

i really dislike of hating people

because i will hate them like hell

tolonglah...

i really think that i need therapy

to whom it may concern

boleh tak kau pergi jauh-jauh dari aku

tolonglah faham yang aku sangat sakit hati kat kau

takkan kau nak aku cakap sendiri kat kau yang kau tu sangat menjengkelkan

perlu ke aku buat macam tu kat kau??

kalau kau rasa tak perlu dan tak nak dengar benda tu

shuh from me

at the very least

until i become neutral

jangan seksa perasaan aku

jangan seksa perasaan kau

Allah,

berikan saya kekuatan untuk berhadapan dengan kehidupan yang mencabar

sentap itu kadang-kadang bagus

sentap

itulah yang kita rasa kadang-kadang

dari sekecik-kecik perkara

sampai la perkara besar

sentap tu boleh berlaku

tapi bagus juga

sebab kadang-kadang

kita rasa kita bagus

bila sentap kita akan berhenti

kemudian berfikir

mungkin itu yang terbaik :)

dia yang mengingatkan

pernah tak korang berada dalam satu situasi yang korang rasa down sangat

korang rasa cam takde sesiapa yang dapat memahami perasaan korang

korang rasa macam takde siapa yang boleh tolong korang

tapi korang nak

korang perlu luahkan perasaan korang tu

sebab tak tertanggung

orang yang korang percaya mungkin tidak memahami

orang yang memahami mungkin sibuk dengan masalah sendiri

korang lost

i'm not a good servant

not a good daughter

not even a good student

how can i asked Him to grant me so many things

while i'm being an ungrateful servant

being disobey to Him

how can i asked my parents to understand my condition

while i'm being so selfish

for not being understanding

bercakap dengan dia

berbual dengan dia

saya rasa lega

mendengar kata-katanya

menerima nasihatnya

membuka mata saya

sungguh

hikmah itu memang sentiasa ada

yakin dan percaya

hikmah memang ada

mungkin bukan sekarang

bukan detik ini

bukan ketika ini

tapi

janji itu pasti

siapa tahu

esok

lusa

mungkin juga di sana

kita tak tahu

betulkan niat

semua kerana Dia

Dialah yang menciptakan langit dan bumi

yang menjadikan malam dan siang silih berganti

yang menguasai timur dan barat

yang berkuasa ke atas makhlukNya

insyaAllah

dipermudahkan urusan

ya Allah

semoga hidup dan mati saya dalam iman

kepada dia

terima kasih kerana mengingatkan saya yang terlupa

semoga Allah merahmati kamu sekeluarga

thank you

# 25

in my bag there'll be an organizer

a notebook

wallet

keys

pencil case

and lots of medications

once again.. i'm telling you lies

sometimes these feelings are not bearable

it's kind of killing me slowly

and i'm dying

tsk..tsk..

i hate these feelings

:(